It's a gas

The words "gaslighting" or being "gaslit" are ever-present when talking about toxic relationships, yet these terms remain tricky to define. And because being gaslit leads to utter self-doubt, the very concept can be hard to recognise in oneself.

If you find yourself challenging a partner's offensive behaviour only to be dismissed as being crazy or be told that the problem is actually you, chances are you're being gaslit.

I was. For a very long time. It was devastating. I honestly thought I was losing my mind.

A few years ago, I'd had a prolonged double dose of gaslighting from both my mother and my partner, who, independently of each other, had been working their manipulative magic to mess with my mind. (Fun fact: If you're susceptible to gaslighting from a partner as an adult, chances are that your boundaries became porous much earlier in life. Another fun fact: A heteronormative girl can marry their mom. Whodathunkit.)

I was so unsure of what was real and was being projected onto me that I called my ex-husband, who reassured me that, at least where my mother was concerned, it was her, not me, that was nuts.

I then called a cousin, a prominent psychiatrist, who also assured me that my underlying beliefs were healthy and that what was doing my head in was coming from outside: From the two people closest to me.

Total. Headfuck.

This realisation led me to therapy at around the same time that I started this blog. Since then I've been strengthening my boundaries and my partner has been learning to modify his behavior. So, even though the flickers of gaslighting persist, it doesn't feel as threatening as it once did.

In fact, I haven't really thought about it much until I listened to Esther Perel’s recent podcast on the subject.

I can’t believe I survived that shit.

If you want to know about gaslighting, click here to listen and learn.

#gaslighting #estherperel