Fear and loathing

Oh boy. This is hard. Not that I thought it would be easy, but jeez, this is tough - and I’m only 3 posts in. I'm so scared of him finding out. I'm so scared of going down this path, period.

Am I just a big dumbass bug being drawn to its fiery end? If I follow this through, will I wind up with nothing - no relationship, no home, no sense of self, other than the sense of self-loathing that keeps creeping up? It's been a week of celebrity suicides and I can't help but wonder... If I follow this rainbow and the pot of gold is a crock of shit, will hanging be my choice too? (That's not a threat or a melodramatic plea, btw. It's just a thought; not a plan. No need to call the Samaritans, I promise.)

The problem is that I'm dependent on him. Over the past ten years, I've fucked up my career and my finances. I have no close family and no savings to speak of. I've done a Carrie Bradshaw with what could have been a half-decent retirement fund (Damn you, Jimmy Choo!) and I live in a country that's still foreign to me. Without his credit card in my wallet and his roof over my head, I don't know where I'd be, but I often think it would be on the street.

And, if truth be told (which is my goal here) I'm extremely grateful for the security he offers me. Some days, like today, it feels like enough. Some days, like today, I think I should just get over myself and take the rough with the smooth (as I’ve been doing for the past ten years) because some days, like today, are indeed smooth. Some days, like today, I wonder if maybe the problem is actually me.

#fear #dependence